Wednesday, March 05, 2008


This blog used to be all writing all the time. Then I headed into Gerard Butler world and have seen him in everything I write. There is a definite connection between that actor and a story I wrote many years ago. The odd thing is that old manuscript was based on a dream I had about a different actor, Jon Erik Hexum, the night before he died. The two men have no obvious connection other than the one my brain has made.

Over the years I've learned to pay attention to my subconscious, even when I don't have a clue what it's trying to tell me.

There's a NASCAR driver who raced to the front of the pack in many of my dreams a few years ago. Entire lifetimes together, including the occasional scrape against the wall, occupy my nights. During the daytime I'm mystified. I'm a fan of the man's driving and competitive confidence but hook up with him? I think we'd take each other out on pit road. I have to admit how strange it was to spend a good chunk of time last year in his hometown visiting with a real life, non-celebrity man. I was terrified we'd run into the driver and I'd end up saying something that sounded stalkerish.

I'm aware of that line between fantasy and reality, truly I am, but spending so much time with someone in that subconscious state lends a false sense of familiarity. It doesn't help that I spent a fair amount of time researching him for a game on which I worked a couple of years ago. It's that very essence of fact underlying all the fiction that could easily make me sound unhinged.

As a writer, I weave fantasy and reality together in a seamless blend of entertainment. Regardless of whether the book is plot or story driven; character is what engages the reader. These men are interesting characters to me. They aren't real. I don't know them. But there are elements to each of them that compel me to revisit the connections time and again.

It's that sense of the familiar that comes from perceived connections. Whether it's the dreams, the hometown or mutual acquaintances that give me that idea of being connected, the truth is irrelevant. There are times when I have to stop for a moment and think about whether I actually had that conversation - despite the fact that we haven't met.

Maybe I'm losing my mind. Or maybe I'm letting my imagination run with all the scenarios and possibilities so that I can write the most complete, real and flawed characters I can.

What do you think?


  1. Anonymous12:33 AM

    Keziah--I've never experienced what you're describing. Kind of wish I could. Sounds interesting. Sounds like a very strong mind. Sounds like a pebble in a shoe. Meaning, I guess, that maybe there is some element of this guy's story that strikes your subconscious mind as odd or off-kilter. YSM keeps poking at that element, trying to make sense of it, so you are starting to feel a prisoner of that element. You're right. It's hard to make sense when discussing this topic. But you did fine. I'd say, if it really worries you, write it all out, longhand maybe, till you spot that off-kilter element and can get some relief.

  2. Anonymous2:43 AM

    Dreams may mean something...or not.

    There are more things between heaven and earth than meet the eye...or mind, to paraphrase.

    As ltl said...write it out...may be the start of a good book.


  3. as long as you recognize that hey, they aren't real (to you), you don't know them, and hugging them when you randomly see them can lead to lawsuits, you're fine.

    your imagination is strong, which is really cool. use what you have for your books. and just remember, there is a line between fact and fiction, but it never hurts to fantasize...

    aghdogdh- does anybody else see agh! dog, DH! yeah, ok, sleepy time...

  4. I think it means you have a rich imagination and for whatever reason it's latched onto this guy. It's probably not much different than writing about demons ... your brain will let go of it when it's ready. Maybe your subconscious just needs an extended vacation and this is it's version of sea cruise.

  5. Anonymous9:33 AM

    I do that when I write, I find a guy who sounds and looks interesting to represent my character, and then I end up obsessively watching Dirty Jobs marathons and calling it research. :-) That leads to weird dreams and that sense of the familiar you mentioned that can be disconcerting. But then I'll write a new book and find a new guy to stalk, er, write about.

    So maybe your subconcious is telling you he would make a good character in a book.

  6. An imagination is a powerful thing. I think you have a powerful imagination. I do not think you are fixated or pixilated.

    I do think you should stay out of the snow! Your comment made me laugh this morning. Thanks for leaving it, chica.

    This was an interesting post. I had to mull over it for a while. :-)

  7. It's interesting that I name Gerard Butler but not the nascar driver. Like I'm afraid he'll find out I have stalker tendencies and avoid me at all costs. Wouldn't GB do the same? It suggests I expect to actually interact with one but not the other. At least you all like my warped little mind lol

  8. Heh. It's interesting that you can mention GB, in the same way that I can mention on line my fascination with Kyle Chandler. But I won't say that other actor's name in writing either. (Or I avoid saying it, I guess. I may have inadvertantly mentioned him somewhere).

    And you know which actor I'm referring to. The one that holds the same place in my imagination that the Nascar driver holds in yours.

    Anyway. Totally know what you mean. My mind/brain/essence work together in the same freakish way.

    I think, for me, the difference between the two types of "willingness to mention" has to do with the distance from possible reality. Kyle Chandler is completely unavailable to me. (Married, sigh, happily so. LOL) So in my mind, it's safe to mention him, since there is no possiblility, ever, of encountering him and having any type of meaningful relationship, whether it be a friendship or something else. His time line and mine really do not touch at any point in the future. The vibration just isn't there, though he fascinates me, as an actor and as a man.

    Other Actor is... well, closer in essence, I guess you could say. I could actually see myself as a friend at the very least. There is a distinct symbiosis, a real place in the higher planes, through which we can touch, in essence.

    It's like he knows I'm here, and our two lines of reality may eventually cross, through the law of attraction. And since it feels that way, I don't want to spook him by becoming one of those scary fans. LOL So I stay as unintrusive in the plane of reality as possible, until random events and synchronicity have their way of playing things out. Even though we meet in the ethers often.

    Yeah, I know... I just lost everyone else in the discussion. Bryan got out of the car to walk back across the bridge to America.

    But you know what I mean, Sheryl. :-)

    Cath :-)